Archive for the 'Travel Tips' Category

Why I take the Slow-Burn Approach to Friendships (& even Dating!)




Sometimes, emotions are swept up, you’re in the middle of a grand adventure…

And then you meet someone.

Perhaps this person is unlike anyone you ever met before. Or perhaps you’re just being swept up into the adventure of it all. How can you tell?

Time. Time is the only way, of course.

Time and again I’ve been surprised how my perception of someone can shift over days and months. Occasionally, I’ll meet someone who does a surprising 180°, sometimes for ill and sometimes for the better. In the disappointing cases, my intuition will send me a warning signal. Often the signal comes in through the pit of my stomach or as a buzz in the back of my head. But I always know what it means.

So I manage my expectations. I limit how much their choices might affect me or my journey. And I continue to give them the “benefit of the doubt.” Sometimes that feeling in the pit of my stomach turns out to be less serious than I thought, and people have been known to give uncharacteristic first impressions.

The opposite can be true, too. Have you ever met someone who seemed uninteresting or just plain strange at first, only to grow closer to them later? People judge people by their covers just as they judge books, but there are often chapters that change the entire story.

The Slow Burn

All of this is why I like to get to know someone slowly, like a fire growing over time, before I make any assumptions about if and how they will fit into my life. When travelling, I often tell people that I don’t feel like I know much of anything about someone new after just one day, even if we hang out all day. To form a baseline model for someone’s personality, I need multiple data points. I need to see them in different environments on different days.

I read once that people are like fruit. I really don’t get to see what’s inside until they’re squeezed by circumstance. It’s a fun metaphor, and I think it’s not far from the truth. What I’ve learned about friends in times of strife is usually enlightening, sometimes encouraging, and often vindicating. Certain circumstances reveal totally new chapters within the story. I’m not saying you need to wait for these to happen, but they can be exceedingly valuable in understanding a person on a deeper level.

Tips for Travellers & Stationary People Alike

If you want to establish strong, honest relationships with people, take time before you make assumptions about a person. I’ve often been surprised at how good a friendship can get, or how I can pick up certain friendships right where we left off, as if no time had passed at all. I used to think that a long gap in communication was a sign that we’d grown apart, but now I see it as another element in the ever-complex process of growth that we are all taking part in.

You’ve probably heard the phrase “It’s a marathon not a sprint” and connecting with people is no different. So run the marathon with wisdom and trust your inner guide. Watch the scene unfold as a slow burn. You’ll be glad you did.



How to Tell if a Friendship is Real: A True Story of PseudoFriends & Resonance




When it comes to creating strong connections: Resonance is everything.

While common values, similar interests, or a similar sense of humor is a good sign, it still doesn’t guarantee that you’ll feel the intuitive nudge to cultivate a friendship with a particular person. And sometimes, you may meet someone by chance who you would have never imagined would resonate with you, yet they do.

Having met thousands of people during my adventures and drawn many lessons from those interactions (97% of which were positive), I consider myself a good judge of character. Yet this summer I realized that this may not be enough.

I’ll explain.

Act 1: A Delightful Host?

Once upon a couch, I was hosted by a smart, passionate woman who was relatively new to Couchsurfing. She shared my love of good, organic food; and, perhaps more importantly, she instinctively knew the importance of conscious growth. She knew she could make a measurable, positive difference in the world. Overall, she was a delightful young woman.

In between some plans that I’d made, we had the chance to hang out a bit. I met some of her friends; we all went out for a couple drinks — the usual Friday night thing, I suppose. She seemed rather naive, perhaps, but she was young after all; and she had a kind of raw enthusiasm that I enjoyed. So early on, I suspected there was some good friend potential.

And then something interesting happened: she began opening up to me. She also began asking some more personal questions, such as my relationship status, which I didn’t mind sharing with her. She also told me about how one of her friends was moving away, and how there weren’t a lot of other people in her life that she felt she could truly talk to about personal growth anymore.

I empathized, for I was once in a similar situation, and I offered my support. If she wanted someone to talk to about such things, I would be happy to stay in touch.

On the last day, we hugged goodbye; and I was happy to have made another growth-oriented friend… or had I?

Act 2: How to Blow Someone Off

On a subsequent visit to Madison, I sent her a text message telling her that I was in town for a few days and I’d like to stop by and say “Hi.”

Later that day, I received a disappointing reply. Apparently, she was spending time with her roommates that evening (before they all moved out), but she “hoped that I had a good visit to Madison.”

Now let me ask you, dear reader, does that sound like someone who has any desire to cultivate a friendship? She knew quite well that I would be in town for another 2 days; but, as you and I know, if you don’t actually want to see someone, there won’t be time to see them. That’s all.

Clearly, I had misjudged the situation.

Later that day, I struck up a conversation with a local entrepreneur, selling his wares on the street. And I ended up venting to him and explaining what had happened; and I was surprised that, after I had told him the story, he called her a “bitch”.

I thought that was pretty harsh. She wasn’t a bitch. She was just blowing me off. It happens. (It happens even more when travelling.) I had apparently been given a false impression. But hey, that’s life. So, I let it go.

I mean, I shouldn’t expect everyone to be able to handle my free-wheeling, internet-treehouse, California-bred, hippy lifestyle, right? ;)

Act 3: Discombobulated

And then, something oddly synchronistic happened.

While cycling around and deciding on where to eat, I turned around and saw her waiting by the curb, looking at me. Seriously, what are the odds?

The conversation began with the obligatory “Hey! Whatcha up to? Good to see you!” type of sentences. She’d been under a bit more stress lately from her job, but otherwise well. And she was glad to hear the process of self-publishing my book was going well. We talked on the sidewalk for about 15 minutes, and then bid farewell.

As I locked up my bike a few minutes later, I realized something.

Her eyes.

There had been a kind of distant look within them. I didn’t want to pretend to know what was going on in her life. I didn’t. But after I reflected on how her presence made me feel, I realized that I felt a bit discombobulated after talking to her. It was as if her energy field was chaotic. And I had to ask myself: Did I really want to cultivate a friendship with such a person?

Conclusion

Just because this happened, doesn’t mean anyone is right or wrong in this case. You can’t predict resonance. You can only test for it. I thought that, based on a common interest in personal growth, I had made a new friend, but I’ve learned that there are no guarantees. Even if someone shares a value that I hold deeply, it doesn’t mean they will be a good match for me socially. And, to be completely frank, if their energy field is discombobulated, it makes my decision even easier.

Resonance is everything. And sometimes, you may be truly surprised at who you find yourself in resonance with.

For instance, I don’t usually initiate conversations with people in high school, mostly because people are ever-so-slightly unstable during high school. But that didn’t stop me from listening to my intuition and striking up a conversation with a decidedly less-unstable student as I waited outside the following day. We ended up talking for over an hour. And the remarkable thing? I actually felt energized after the conversation. Amazing. A high schooler actually cultivating a good attitude and having a bright, positive energy about them? Rare, but possible.

Resonance.

I’ve come back to it again and again on my adventures, and it remains the single most important factor in predicting where a connection will go. And when you have resonance with a person, the friendship takes on a life of its own. A kind of “third mind” results from the two of you spending time together. And then the strength of the friendship is obvious.

Resonance is everything. Trust it, and it won’t let you down.



Sign up to receive my free email newsletter, sent once every month or so, featuring the best of Byteful Travel.

Email Address: